Dating and relating livejournal
Japanese guys are generally more stressed out by sex than western guys and that is because they are responsible for the sex; as the active male, the sex is their burden, they have to do everything, it’s all up to them.Sex equates not only (sometimes not even primarily) with ‘fun’ or ‘pleasure’, it also equates with ‘work’ and ‘obligation’.LOLFlirting in Japan Flirting seems like a misnomer. If you like someone in Japan, there are a couple of different ways of showing it and/or approaching them, none of which really resemble flirting in the west. Nanpa (the “pickup”)First off, only guys do nanpa; in the rare case that girls do it, it’s called gyaku-nan (“reverse nanpa”), but I never heard of gyaku-nan actually happening, it always seemed like it was more of an amusing theoretical idea, rather than something girls really did. I make generalized statements only when something that I personally experienced was confirmed as The Norm.Nanpa only refers to the case when you don’t know the other person at all, and you want to pick them up. The biggest difference is that sex in Japan is not a mutual sharing experience with both partners spontaneously doing whatever they feel like or enjoy whenever they feel like doing it. In heterosexual sex, the active partner is always male, and the passive partner is always female.In this case, once I worked out what was going on, I thought all my problems could be solved by a simple conversation or two, explaining the more free-form nature of western sex, and encouraging my partner along the lines of, “You don’t have to act a certain way, you can act however you like! I was inadvertently terrorizing my partner by dropping them into the middle of a scary foreign wilderness and telling them to make do without a map. Me: I was at Seiji’s place hanging out and he randomly told me that I could use his shower if I felt like it. Natsue: *cracks up laughing* Cat, that means he wants to have sex with you! Me: Sorry to bring this up suddenly, but does it weird you out that Andy sometimes initiates sex without showering first? I’m so glad I finally have someone to talk to about this! However, I will try to accommodate you on this because the idea of sex without showering seemed to horrify everyone I talked to right down to their very bones.Sex and hygiene Sex in the west can be spontaneous, but sex in Japan isn’t, or at least, not in the same way. If a guy mentions having a shower, he is saying that he wants to have sex. Secondly, when you suggested that I shower the other day, and I said no, I was not rejecting you.found an article about sex and flirting in Japan from a LJ user that is very interesting to read. Let’s go somewhere.” That is the classic script of nanpa. If you’re flirting you look down and away a lot.- Indirect compliments. It’s pretty rare to give direct compliments and even more rare to compliment someone’s looks. Before I launch into anything, I should say that while I lived in Japan for five years, I have had sex with only a select few people, and that was within long term relationships, so it’s not as if I have personally taken a wide sample.
Meanwhile, if there’s anything else you want to know, feel free to ask.
In Japan, you can’t get in the front door and immediately start stripping each other’s clothes off in the hallway. Me: But isn’t it kind of rude to imply I needed to shower first? I didn’t understand that it was your Japanese signal that you wanted to have sex.
Well, you can, and your Japanese partner will probably acquiesce because they are Japanese, but deep down they will be hideously uncomfortable and thinking, “Sex? Like, it was a date, obviously I had showered before going over to his apartment! If I had understood that, I would definitely have said yes.
So at best we could alternate “active periods”, and though the lines between active and passive blurred a little over time, they never blurred completely. ” but that was also a failure to understand the Japanese psyche. You should shower directly before and after you have sex. This makes me sound like I only ever dated people with OCD, but it’s the norm. If a guy had sex with me without showering first, it would make me really uncomfortable. After I heard basically the same story from all my Japanese girlfriends, I went back to Seiji.
And total shutdowns still happened: thirty seconds tick past and my partner hasn’t moved at all … If I’m making cross-cultural sex sound like a bit of a nightmare: yeah, it was. It’s not liberating for a Japanese person to be told there are no rules, it’s frightening. The way I first found out about this was in conversation with my friend Natsue. Sensing yet another cross-cultural disaster in the making, I began the investigation, hitting up all the usual suspects for information, including my friend Tomoko, who was dating a western guy called Andy. Me: First of all, westerners don’t always shower or have a bath before sex.